Obviously, the real issue has nothing to do with the fear itself, but, rather, how we hold the fear. For some, the fear is totally irrelevant. For others, it creates a state of paralysis. The former holder their fear from a position of power (choice, energy and action), and the latter hold it from a position of pain (helplessness, depression and paralysis).
From this it can be seen that the secret in handling fear is to move from a position of pain to a position of power. The fact that you have the fear then becomes irrelevant.
HOW WE HOLD FEAR
Pain __________________________________ Power
Helplessness ------------------------------------- Choice
Depression ------------------------------------- Excitement
Paralysis ------------------------------------- Action
Let’s talk about the word ‘power’. Some people say that they don’t like the concept of power and want no part of it. It is true that in our world the word ‘Power’ has some negative overtones. It often implies control over others, and, unfortunately, is often misused.The kind of power I am talking about is entirely different. In fact, it makes you less manipulative of those around you, and certainly more loving. I am talking about power within the self. This means power over your perceptions of the world, power over how you react to situations in your life, power to do what is necessary for your own self-growth, power to create joy and satisfaction in your life, power to act and power to love.
This kind of power has nothing to do with anyone else. It is not egomania, but a healthy self-love. In fact, egomaniacs have absolutely no feeling of power-thus their compelling need to control those around them. Their lack of power leaves them perpetually in a state of fear, since their survival depends on the outside world. No one is more unloving than a person who can’t own his or her own power. Such people spend their lives trying to pull it out of everyone else. Their need creates all sorts of manipulative behaviour.
The kind of power I’m talking about leaves you free, since you don’t expect the rest of the world to fill you up. It’s not the ability to get someone else to do what you want them to do. It’s the ability to get yourself to do what you want to do. If you do not own this kind of power, you lose your sense of peace. You are in a very vulnerable place.
A self-assured woman who is in control of her life draws like a magnet. She is so filled with positive energy that people want to be around her. Yet it is only when she has become powerful within herself, that she can become authentic and loving to those around her. The truth is that love and power go together. With no power, love is distorted.
A good antidote to any inner conflict between power and femininity is to repeat to yourself at least twenty-five times each morning, noon and night:
AFFIRMATION
I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVED
I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVING
An energising variation is:
I AM POWERFUL AND I LOVE IT!
Now that I’ve explained the kind of power I’m talking about, let’s explore how to use the Pain-to-Power concept in daily life.
The first step is to create a Pain-to-Power Chart, as follows:
PAIN-TO-POWER CHART
Pain---->---->---->---->---->---->---->----Power
As we look at the Pain-to-Power continuum, most of us can place ourselves somewhere in the middle of the chart. We’re not totally incapacitated by our fears, but we’re not exactly feeling a great sense of power and excitement, nor are we quickly sprinting to our goals. We seem to be taking the arduous route over the mountain carrying town suitcases and a watermelon rather than flying on the wings of eagles. As another ancient sage once said, ‘The pathway is smooth. Why do you throw rocks before you?’
Using the Pain-to-Power Chart as a frame of reference, you can begin to clear the rocks in front of you. The following steps will help in the clearing process:
- Draw an enlargement of the Pain-to-Power Chart and place it on your wall. Just the simple act of making the enlargement will make you feel a little more powerful. You are already taking action! Remember that much of the trick of moving from pain to power is taking action. ACTION IS VERY POWERFUL! Once the chart is on your wall is will serve as a constant reminder of where you want to go in life-from pain to power. Awareness is half the battle. Having the chart physically present will also help you motivate yourself to keep moving in the right direction.
- Just to keep you from taking yourself too seriously, you might want to write somewhere on your chart ‘Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.’ I heard this a long time ago, and it still makes me smile. It constantly reminds me that you can drop an awful lot of excess baggage if you learn to play with life instead of fight it.
- Put a pin at the place on the chart where you see yourself situated at this moment in your life. Are you in the middle, where you sometimes feel depressed and paralysed and other times feel more in control? Or do you definitely find yourself on the far left side, where there is little you are able to do to pull yourself out of the rut? Or perhaps you are already on the right side, where most of the time you feel you are really moving ahead with your life, with only a few areas that need to be worked on. I doubt that anyone reading this book has reached their goal of attaining absolute power over the self. Even the Buddhas have their day! There are always new experiences that challenge a sense of personal power.
- Each day look at the chart and ask yourself, ‘Do I see myself at the same place, or have I moved?’ Move the pin accordingly.
- If you keep in mind the direction you want to go, it will help you make decisions about what you are doing in your life. Before you take any action in life, ask yourself: ‘Is this action moving me to a more powerful place?’ If it isn’t, you will think twice about doing it. A word of caution: If you go ahead anyway, knowing the action will keep you in a position of pain, don’t get angry with yourself about it. Just notice where you are not taking responsibility. The next time, you can make a different decision. Use your ‘mistakes’ as learning experiences. Remember that each time you get angry at yourself for an action you have taken, you keep yourself on the side of pain.
- Make your use of the chart fun. Having it as a game keeps you light about the situation. If you have children, they can create their own charts, and you can make a family game out of the experience of growing.
- You might want to make different charts for different areas of your life. To be really powerful, you need to be in charge of all aspects of your life-work, relationships, environment, body, and so on. Often people are very powerful in some parts of their lives and pathetic in others. For example, I am very powerful in terms of my career, but need to work on the area of exercise.
Note that your movement on the chart is determined only by your own intuitive sense of how you are progressing in gaining more power in your life. No one else can judge that, though they may try. Although your life may look exactly the same to the outside world, it is your own sense of internal peace and growth that determines where you are on the chart. It is, totally, a feeling within.
You may wonder if you really need to go to such lengths to get yourself moving. Trust me-you do! In the beginning, you need all the gimmicks you can get to remind you of where you want to go. You don’t become powerful without concentrating on power. As you must have figured out by now, simply knowing what to do does not mean that you do it, or, for that matter, even remember it.
To help you on your pain-to-power path, it’s very important that you being to develop a Pain-to-Power Vocabulary. The way you use the words has a tremendous impact on the quality of your life. Certain words are destructive; others are empowering. Choose to move to a Pain-to-Power Vocabulary as follows:
Pain---->---->---->---->---->---->---->----Power
________________________________________
I can’t ---------------------------------------- I won’t
I should -------------------------------------- I could
It’s not my fault ---------------------------- I’m totally responsible
It’s a problem ------------------------------- It’s an opportunity
I’m never satisfied ------------------------- I want to learn and grow
Life’s a struggle ---------------------------- Life’s an adventure
I hope --------------------------------------- I know
If only --------------------------------------- Next time
What will I do? ------------------------------ I know I can handle it
It’s terrible ---------------------------------- It’s a learning experience
‘I can’t’ implies you have no control over your life, whereas ‘I won’t’ puts a situation in the realm of choice. From this moment on, strike ‘I can’t’ from your vocabulary. When you give your subconscious the message ‘I can’t,’ your subconscious really believes you and registers on its computer: WEAK…WEAK…WEAK. Your subconscious believes only what is hears, not what is true. You might be saying ‘I can’t’ simply to get out of a dinner invitation-such as, ‘I can’t come to dinner tonight. I have to prepare for tomorrow’s meeting,’ but your subconscious is registering, ‘He’s weak!’ In fact, ‘I can’t come to dinner’ is an untruth. The truth is ‘I can come to dinner, but I am choosing to do something that has a higher priority at the moment.’ But the subconscious can’t discern the difference and is registering ‘weak.’
Although you may want to be more delicate to your host than to utter the above statement, you can still stay away from the words ‘I can’t.’ ‘I’d love to come to dinner, but I have a meeting tomorrow that’s important to me. I’ll feel better walking in totally prepared. So I’ll pass for tonight and hope you’ll invite me again.’ That statement has truth, integrity and power. The subconscious hears you stating your priorities with clarity and choosing the outcome that serves your own growth. Choosing this way doesn’t leave you the helpless victim of your meeting.
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