Whole Life With Relationship

Contribution                                      Hobby
Leisure                                              Family
Alone Time                                       Personal Growth
Work                                                 Relationship
Friends

One area of the gird that needs some explanation: the area of CONTRIBUTION. This is the area that allows you to make your own special differences in the world. Contribution is discussed in a later chapter; for now, simply note that it is from the area of Contribution that much of your self-esteem and satisfaction in life can come. TO know that you can make a difference in this world means that you are not helpless, that you are a meaningful force in the world.

It is important that you don’t think of contribution in such grand terms as those of Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., or Albert Einstein. Contribution in the way that I am using it means beginning exactly where you are, looking around, seeing what needs to be done, and doing it. This could relate to your family, your friends, your community, your country, the world. There is not a person alive who is not capable of greatly contributing to the well-being of this planet. Just changing your attitude can affect the world around you.

Now that you understand the concept of the grid and recognise its importance in reducing many of your fears regarding relationship, job, children, and so on, you are ready to take steps to incorporate this powerful tool into your daily life. Here are the steps.

1. Simply recognise that you might be caught in a vicious circle. If you look carefully at your past, you will probably notice that every time negative feelings associated with loss came up, you took the very same pathway to try to relieve the discomfort: You tried to re-create that which you had lost.

For example, what’s the first thing many of us do when we are devastated by the loss of a loved one? We simply substitute heads. And when the next love of our life leaves, we experience the same feeling of devastation (which is amazing, since we’ve only known this lover for three weeks). Then what do we do? It’s not hard to guess-we go out and find another ‘one and only’ without whom we would simply die!

If this or a similar pattern sounds familiar, it is important not to make a big thing out of it. Just recognise that up until now you simply did not have an appropriate framework within which to create a healthier way to act. The mere fact that you acknowledge the possibility of another way is enough to get you to the next step.

2. Create your own Whole Life Grid. Begin be making a nine-boxed square like above.  Take some time to think about what components you would like to include in your life and begin filling in the boxes. I am a great believer in setting the stage whenever I begin any kind of introspection, so I recommend that you buy some meditative music and put it on as background while you are filling in the boxes. Make sure you are alone and that the phone is turned off.

3. After you have filled in your grid, pick one of the boxes to work on. Shut your eyes and visualise what you would like that part of your life to look like. What would you be doing? How would you be interacting with the people around you? How would you feel? Remember the two key ingredients: 100% commitment and acting as if you count. Let’s call them the MAGIC DUO, for that’s exactly what they create in your life-magic.

4. When you get a clear picture, take a blank piece of paper and begin writing down what your mind created for you, paying attention to all the details. This will help you with Step 5.

5. List the many things that would have to be done in order to make your visualisation become reality. Again, take time to think through this carefully, I cannot repeat too frequently:

ACTION IS THE KEY TO YOUR SUCCESS

You have to do something to make your real life match your visualisation. So your actions are critical.

Let’s see how this might actually work. If you had picked the area PERSONAL GROWTH, you might see yourself taking classes and workshops, reading books and attending lectures. In your visualisation, the Magic Duo assures that you will approach all of this with a will that keeps you focused, and also assures your active participation at all times.

If you are in a workshop, you might see yourself interacting with the other students, doing all the homework, whether it is a credit course or not, happily anticipating the next class and really happy that you have chosen to be there.

By the way, when you take this concept into the real world, old habits will emerge-that’s a given! Thus, when you are actually at a workshop, you might suddenly be overcome by the wish that you were with him. In the beginning, your mind will definitely, without a question, want to pull you out of your commitment, and it will take your constant vigilance to control the wandering. Eventually you will be able to make your mind focus on the matter at hand and take in what is happening around you. And then guess what hap[pens! The neediness begins to disappear. The problem with needy people is that they can’t take in anything around them. Then they wonder why they are starving emotionally.

What about the area of FRIENDS? What would that look like? Here, you might see yourself inviting then over for dinner, creating a terrific evening out, writing them letters of appreciation, or simply calling them and telling them you were thinking about them. In the real world, when with your friends you will probably wish you were with your one-and-only. This is the time to call in the Magic Duo. Begin by focusing on your commitment to be a wonderful friend, ‘acting as if’ you truly make a difference in their lives. From that mental place, you will begin to find much pleasure and fulfilment.

Let’s look at the area of LEISURE. This one stumps a lot of my students, and I admit it is an area I must work on daily. Many of us tend to be achievement-oriented and get anxious when taking time to relax and enjoy ourselves. It seems to be okay when you’re relaxing with your mate or friends, but when on your own, you feel you should be accomplishing something. Again, the way to release this anxiety is to call upon the Magic Duo. By committing yourself 100% to your relaxation and ‘acting as if’ your well-being counts, you can enjoy taking some time alone for yourself.

To help myself out, I’ve created the concept of the holi-hour, a shortened version of the holi-day. I allow myself at least an hour each day to relax totally. It could mean reading magazines, taking a ride to the beach, or shopping in my favourite mall. This helps greatly in keeping me refreshed in my work. Very often I get some of my best ideas during leisure time, when my mind is not so cluttered.

6. Do steps 3, 4 and 5 for every area of your grid. You will be amazed at what beautiful life beings to emerge-so rich, full, loving and giving. It is important to keep in mind that whatever you create in your grid can become a reality-if you are committed to taking the necessary action.

7. Each day, create for yourself daily goals that reflect all the boxes in your grid. If you are already a diligent daily goal setter, you will probably notice that your goals are focused in only one area of your life-most likely WORK. By setting goals for all areas of your grid, your life will become balanced.

As you approach each goal, bear in mind the Magic Duo-100% commitment and I count-to help your focus and achieve a sense of fulfilment.

You may not be able to cover every area of your grid every day. Naturally, there will be times in your life when one area takes precedence. For example, when on vacation you can forget about other areas of the grid. Just concentrate on having a good time. The Magic Duo will ensure that you take it all in. In the same manner, an important work project may require you undivided attention for a time. What you are ultimately looking for is overall balance.

If you don’t feel like taking the time or making the effort to do these steps, you will be greatly short-changing yourself. Isn’t your life worth it? I recently brought a word processor and spent an entire week learning the basics. What I’m asking you to do is take the time to set up the basic structure of your life, so you can then go on living in a way that supports your growth and satisfaction. As Janet, one of my students, so aptly put it, ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’ This thought certainly server to get her moving!

If you find it difficult to motivate yourself, don’t put yourself down. Find a self-help group to act as a catalyst. If you can’t find a support group, find what I call a ‘growth buddy.’ You and your buddy can help each other by meeting weekly and working on the grid, your goals, your action plan, or whatever. Committing yourself to do certain homework before each meeting often spurs you on to action. The key is to take your commitment to your buddy seriously and act responsibly during the week by getting everything done that you commit yuourself to do

If you can’t find a self-help group and do not want to work with a growth buddy, find a group conducted by a professional. I run groups whose main purpose is to encourage participants to define what they want in life, and then take the actions necessary to support these goals. It is amazing how quickly results materialise when you know what you want and are determined to get it. Most people never take the time to focus on what they want-then they wonder why they always feel empty.

Keep asking yourself, ‘How Whole is my life?’ Continue to create such richness for yourself that nothing can ever take away your basic sense of completeness. Can you imagine how little you would then have to fear?